Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize