It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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