I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
