Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
