you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
