textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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