just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize