Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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