woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
ttyl tear gas
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
