Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
