So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm too high and old for this...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
