i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
