Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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