im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
