They should really pass out barf bags in church
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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