the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
