His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
