I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
