just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
