My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
