Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
