She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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