I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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