Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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