I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
And the cops told us we were all naked.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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