Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
