god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She's the barista slut.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
