There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
