I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
