She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
