K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
