She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You've changed since you got that strap on
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
