This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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