Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Farmville is her only friend.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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