i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
