I think I died a long time ago.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
