I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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