Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
