i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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