i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
