I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize