you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
