remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
