I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
