guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
