Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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