if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
