I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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