im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize