Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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