im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize