Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just pee around me
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
