this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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