Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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