Plan B is the new Plan A
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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