Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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