Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
