Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
