how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
