Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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